Today begins my journaling of Pyper’s journey…
I was looking forward to my day with Pyper. A chance to pray over her, love on her, rock her to sleep, listen to praise music and of course, time to dance. It was a Pyper and Nana day. I had brought my computer with my favorite praise music loaded and ready to blare. I came prepared and ready for the day. Turns out I wasn’t prepared for the event that unfolded mid morning.
In came the doctor and residents. We have results of the Upper GI that was done yesterday. Pyper has what we call Congenetal Malrotation of the Gut. Slam!, there you have it. She (the doctor) goes on to explain that unlike “us” Pyper’s stomach and intestines/bowels are rearranged differently than ours. Her bowels are mis-coiled but they have adjusted themselves to fit and work, as everything is functional. While she is fine now and has been fine, there is the chance that they could twist which would then cause a blockage and then there would be trouble. At this point I am standing there trying to take it all in, trying to remember everything so that I can report to Nicole and Brandon.
I am swallowing in silence as I am desparately trying to be brave and not cry in front of this room full of people. I here the words “surgery required” to “tack” down the stomach…wait a minute…my head is trying to keep up while my heart has taken yet another hard blow. How can there possibly be more bad news? I am holding everything inside as the doctor continues to talk. She is ready to listen to Pyper’s heart and lungs so I step away from the bassinet and walk to the window, with my back to the room full of people. A torrent of emotions wash over me as my whole body begins to shake and the tears fall down my cheeks. The doctor is kind and asks me if I am alright, can she do anything for me. With my back still turned all I can do is shake my head NO!! I really just wanted to shout “GET OUT, EVERYONE JUST GET OUT”!! Kelsey, a resident that I had met earlier this morning when she came in to check on Pyper, was the last to leave and came over to see if I was okay. I feel her hand on my shoulder as she asks if she can do anything. Again, all I can do is shake my head NO.
Everyone is now gone. It’s just Pyper and I. Pyper oblivious to the news just delivered lays quietly in her bed. I can’t catch my breath. I literally can not catch my breath. I am pacing back and forth, back and forth as my whole body is now sobbing. How can this possibly be??
A while later Kelsey comes back in the room to check on me. As we talk I begin to cry. She tells me how sorry she is and how hard this has to be. She said she went home last night thinking about Pyper. She is going to be a great doctor. She is real. She is compassionate.
It’s 5:30, feeding time. Pyper and I have been sitting in the rocking chair while her feeding takes place but she begins to get restless. Although the praise music has been playing all day, it was now time to dance. I knew she was tired and what better way to fall asleep than to music and dancing! Oh we DANCED and DANCED and DANCED. We are becoming great dance partners Pyper and I, as we twist, sway, bounce and move to the rhythm and beat of my favorite praise songs. This makes me smile. I needed to smile. Pyper you make me smile.
As I was getting ready to leave the hospital tonight I leaned over Pyper’s hospital bassinet… “ so this is the journey you are taking us on? It’s not a journey that we asked for or that we want, but we will take this journey with you”. I stood to leave as tears formed in my eyes for the unnumbered time today. I left you safely in your momma’s arms as she rocked her littlest one.
As I drove the 45 minutes home I knew that I needed to journal this journey that we had embarked on. I also knew it would be a great way to keep family and friends up to date on the “happenings” of our little Pyper. As I cried my way home God gave me the name of my journal. An Unintended Journey:A Time to Dance.
Tonight I go to bed tired, but even more so, emotionally and spiritually drained. My faith is steadfast, but shaken (if this is such a thing?) Oh Father, this is so hard.
As I layed in bed I began listing the things that I am THANKFUL for even in the midst of this storm:
- protection from the aspirating that could have caused pneumonia and other serious issues
- Pyper’s eyes ARE seeing things (this I BELIEVE AND CLAIM in the mighty name of Jesus Christ)
- that she has no facial deformities (often seen with digeorge syndrome)
- that none of these diagnoses, while hard to hear, are life threatening
- that God has given her beautiful, big blue eyes
- and that today Pyper and I got to DANCE
I will add to this list of things to be thankful for because God is good and He is faithful.